why do i obsess over people i barely know? understanding limerence and attachment
You've been on one date, maybe three.
Maybe you've only exchanged a handful of messages.And yet somehow they've become the main character in your mind.
You check your phone more than you'd like to admit. You notice when they've viewed your story. You replay conversations in your head.You wonder what they meant by that text. You wonder if they're losing interest. You wonder if they're thinking about you too.
Part of you knows this doesn't quite add up. You barely know this person.
Which is exactly why it can feel so confusing.
"Why do I care this much?"
"Why can't I stop thinking about them?"
"What is wrong with me?"
If you've ever found yourself spiralling over someone you've only recently met, you're not alone. It's something I hear about often in my practice.
the hardest part is often the shame
Most people aren't just struggling with the obsession. They're struggling with how much they're obsessing.
They tell themselves they should be more chill, less attached, less invested.
They compare themselves to friends who seem able to date casually without turning every text message into a major life event. Meanwhile, they're sitting on their couch trying to decode why someone used a period instead of an exclamation mark.
They feel embarrassed, needy, too much.
But what I want you to know is that intense emotional reactions don't happen in a vacuum - they're usually telling us something.
sometimes it's not really about them
Or at least, not entirely. Because if we're honest, sometimes the intensity of what we're feeling has less to do with who the other person is and more to do with what getting chosen by them would mean.
Maybe being chosen would mean you're lovable, or you're finally going to get the relationship you've been longing for.
Maybe it would mean you're not too much after all, or maybe it would quiet the part of you that worries people eventually leave.
That's a lot for one person to carry. Especially someone you've only known for a few weeks.
there is actually a word for this
Some people use the word limerence to describe this experience.
Limerence is a state of intense emotional preoccupation with another person.
It often involves:
Constant thoughts about them
Fantasizing about a future together
Looking for signs they like you back
Craving reassurance and contact
Feeling euphoric when they engage
Feeling devastated when they pull away
What stands out to me is that limerence often feels less like love and more like uncertainty, because you don't know how they feel, where things are going, or if this connection is real, imagined, or somewhere in between.
And your brain desperately wants answers.
attachment has a way of showing up here
People who have experienced rejection, inconsistency, emotional neglect, or abandonment often become especially sensitive to uncertainty in relationships.
Not because they're weak or needy, but because their nervous system has learned that connection is important and losing it hurts.
A delayed text isn't just a delayed text - it becomes a possible sign. A shift in energy doesn't feel neutral - it feels meaningful.
The brain starts scanning for clues, trying to predict what will happen next. Trying to stay one step ahead of disappointment.
the problem with trying to figure it out
Most people assume the solution is to think harder so they can find the answer, as to how the other person feels about them. Unfortunately, dating involves a certain level of uncertainty that no ammount of perseverating will solve. You may find the more we chase certainty, the more elusive it tends to become.
what healing often looks like
Healing isn't becoming someone who never gets attached, or about no longer caring.
It's learning how to stay connected to yourself when uncertainty shows up.
It's learning how to care about someone without making them responsible for your self-worth.
It's learning how to tolerate not knowing - and trusting that you'll be okay either way.
Because at the end of the day, the goal isn't to stop wanting connection, the goal is to stop losing yourself inside the pursuit of it.
what about ADHD?
If you have ADHD, you may have noticed that new relationships can feel especially consuming.
While limerence isn't unique to ADHD, there does seem to be a lot of overlap.
Many people with ADHD describe becoming intensely focused on a new person, particularly during the early stages of dating when everything feels exciting, novel, and uncertain.
Part of this may be because ADHD brains are often drawn to novelty and stimulation. A new connection can provide a steady stream of both.
Texts become exciting.
Dates become exciting.
Wondering what happens next becomes exciting.
At the same time, many people with ADHD have experienced years of rejection, criticism, or feeling different from others. Some also struggle with rejection sensitivity, making uncertainty in relationships feel especially uncomfortable.
When you combine novelty, hope, uncertainty, and a fear of rejection, it's not hard to see how someone can end up thinking about a new relationship... a lot.
This doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
It doesn't mean your feelings aren't real.
But it can be helpful to recognize that some of the intensity may be coming from the way your nervous system and brain respond to novelty, connection, and uncertainty.
a gentle reminder
If you've been obsessing over someone you barely know, it doesn't automatically mean they're your soulmate, but it also doesn't mean you're broken.
Sometimes it means a deep longing for connection has been activated, or that old attachment wounds have been stirred up. Sometimes it means being seen, chosen, and loved matters to you.
If you're struggling with attachment anxiety, relationship patterns, self-worth, or getting stuck in cycles of overthinking, therapy can help.
At Oddly Human Counselling, I work with sensitive, self-aware adults who want to understand themselves with more compassion and build more secure relationships with others and with themselves.
If you're curious about working together, you're welcome to book a free 20-minute consultation.
